Missing Mom
It's been a while since I've been on here I see. Still have not had a chance to get out computer going so it's a little more tedious for me than on a usual basis.
My mom lost her battle with Pancreatic Cancer one month ago today. My brother and I spent most of our days at the hospital and got to spend the last three nights with her which allowed us both to be by her side and each of us hold a hand while she took her last breath. It has been a very hard journey the last year and a half of going through this with mom, and even the last month of finding our own time to grieve even though life goes on. Some people get it, and some people don't but it is hard to imagine that the one person who has your back like no other is no longer here on earth. Which in mom's case, it was. She is so much more socialable and outspoken than I have ever been. We laugh now thinking about all of the stuff my mom made me do, and that I did to make her happy. She always wanted company and friends and family around, which we did, where I was wishing to just have a few people around with less noise and less chaos. Brian and I laugh about how mom signed me up in a beauty pageant without even asking me (the shy girl), oh how I wanted to die, and really, doesn't every mother think that their kid is the most beautiful? She never dressed us up dorky, she let us do that all on our own, and we did, Brian will probably contest to that, the boy who wore the same cammo t-shirt for a month straight. The only time she dressed us dorky was when she was in her stupid twinner phase. Really mom, siblings DO NOT want to be dressed alike. We are NOT twins. It is NOT cute. She talked me into being a beer bunny at a few golf tournaments, my friend Kelle got coaxed into that as well, fortunate for mom it didn't end up being so bad. Cheerleading initiation, most mom's warned their daughters so they could get cleaned up before the squad showed up at your door at 4am to wake you up with squirt-guns and make you go to school without hair and makeup! Yes, I really died that day. Especially when a classmate took one look at me and said, "Don't marry Kim because that's what she looks like when she wakes up in the morning." Mom still says it's no big deal.
I have lost quite a few people that I have been close with, that were also very near and dear to my heart but it is true what people have said, "There is no pain like the loss of your mother and you won't know until it happens to you." Although life seems to have a little fog over everything at the moment, I wouldn't have it any other way. We were able to have time that a lot of other children don't have with their mom, we were able to plan so mom's wishes were met, as well as ours. The most important quality of life, gift, or what have you is the sick humor we've always had. Intensified in a horrible situation made everything so much easier. Life is too short to sweat the small "stuff" by being so serious and technical all the time.
With that said, thank you to all of you that reached out to me and my family, who comforted us without judgement, who continue to walk the journey by our side. It means more than you know.
Now for an update from our home. Jeromy is covering from a chainsaw accident a couple of weeks ago as most of you know. He's going to be fine, and he's very lucky. I've put my foot down about chopping wood home alone with the kids so hopfully he'll resect my wishes as my foot's never been too heavy to stop him from what he wants to do.
Jessica has changed her moving plans from Seattle to our home state and continues her job and apartment search. She wasn't able to make it to mom's funeral, but mom knew that and was fine with it. Jess made it out to see mom and get her quality granddaughter time in days before mom left for Heaven. This has been difficult for her.
Ashley keeps herself busy, as usual with many activities when she's not working or going to school. Ashley was able to head out to mom's and spend a few days with her alone one week before she went into the hospital. I'm glad she got some more "Granny time". Ashley has made it out to mom's every year for some fun time together, last year's visit topped the charts when they went go-cart racing together, they had a lot in common and a lot of fun together. As you can imagine, she has been devestated but she knows time will ease the pain.
Jackson and Charly are in school, doing good, having fun and feel just matter of fact over the loss of their special Granny. I'm sure it helped that we've always discussed what was happening and what could happen so there was no shock there. They did express how they would miss their visits to her house and miss "Granny's woods". Mom had set up a trail through some brush and trees that had signs, birdhouses, and other fun things leading to a wishing well at the end. There was a sign at the beginning of the trail that said "Welcome to Granny's Woods" All the kids thought that was so cool.
I am hanging in there. Good days and bad. Kind of feel like I have the world on my shoulders at the moment but know everything happens for a reason and feel somewhat stronger that I've made it over the bumps I've had. Have a lot of decisions to make still but know everything will be fine.